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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24697867">Penance</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/'>Anonymous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Teen Titans - All Media Types, Titans (TV 2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Guilt, Hallucinations, Heavy Angst, Redemption, Self-Hatred</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:21:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,650</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24697867</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He was doing the right thing - not running. He needed to be locked up - for everyone else's safety.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Anonymous</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Penance</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He knew exactly what he was doing when the first hit landed, years of relentless training guiding every meticulous move. The second security guard was down and out within seconds, gun sliding across the floor and just out of reach — disarmed as a precaution, or just base instinct. Getting shot wasn't on his agenda nor did he want to risk the safety of anyone else within their vicinity. He had enough blood on his hands as it was.</p><p>A strange sense of relief flooded his system when he heard a voice ordering his surrender. He sunk to his knees without a second thought, hands raising to his head in a show of submission whilst a few men scrambled to retrieve the firearm lying on the floor.</p><p>His eyes slid shut of their own accord when a harsh hit from behind knocked him to the ground. Hands were now roughly tugging his wrists together, followed by cold metal — cuffs — latching on and keeping him bound. It took every bit of willpower in his being not to retaliate, to fight back like he'd been trained to do. He wanted this. He deserved this. He <em>needed</em> this.</p><p>His head spun as they forced him to his feet and tugged him in the opposite direction with a firm hand wrapped around his upper arm. They passed his deserted bag, along with the crumpled ticket he'd bought intending to flee the country — running, again, like the coward he was. He'd fully intended on going to Greenland when he booked the flight, but he quickly realized it wouldn't be enough — not just to keep him from hurting anyone else, but to make him atone for the things he'd done.</p><p>He meant what he said to Jason on the roof, that he had a poison in him — one that affected everyone and everything around him. He and Bruce both had this unstoppable compulsion to help people, but there's a difference between them. When he does it, it always blows up in his face and he only ends up hurting or possibly killing the very people he wants to save.</p><p>Bruce had his flaws, but Dick feels like his conscience is weighed down even more than his mentor's. He blamed all his problems on Bruce, ignoring the fact that most of his trauma results from his own errors — his own choices. Bruce Wayne isn't the parasite sucking all the happiness out of his life — it's him. He is his <em>own</em> monster.</p><p>Airport security quickly decided they didn't want to deal with him when they attempted to question him only to receive continued silence as an answer. It wasn't long before he was being passed off to a cop in uniform and guided to a police cruiser, his rights being read out to him until he got shoved into the backseat. It wasn't needed, seeing as he used to be a cop himself and knew them by heart, but it was custom.</p><p>He blocked out the ongoing drone of the officer's voice and rested his head against the window, not paying any mind to the curious onlookers staring at him from the airport's sliding doors.</p><p>The moment he told the truth about Jericho was stuck on a loop in his head, Slade's hushed voice lurking in the background as he continuously watched his teammates abandon him two by two.</p><p>He saw the hit coming before Hank even raised his fist, but he didn't dodge, because he deserved it. He deserved more than a simple bloody nose even. A part of him wished it hadn't stopped there — that Hank would have continued and somehow managed to beat the poison out of him.</p><p>He felt like a complete failure when Jason, whom he just talked out of jumping off of the <em>roof</em>, stood up and announced his departure. He just got the kid back from Deathstroke — watched him nearly fall to his death, and now he was leaving with a girl who's got a target on her back. Bruce trusted him to take care of him — to keep him safe, but he failed at that too.</p><p>Donna leaving sliced his hopes for a good outcome into even tinier pieces. Of all the old Titans, he was so sure she would be the one to have his back — to forgive him and tell him it's not that bad. She'd been his best friend for years — his comforter, the only person who stuck with him no matter how much he messed up. Her look of distrust and anger only convinced him he was the monster he thought himself to be.</p><p>Rachel was probably the most painful one, and definitely the least expected, but now that he's had the time to think it over, he realized how much it made sense. He can't remember the last proper conversation he had with her — the last time she hugged him.</p><p>Ever since they got to the tower, he'd been so obsessed with training them and forcing them into becoming what the old Titans couldn't be. He was so out of touch with her that she called Kory when she encountered a problem instead of even trying to talk to him about it. He didn't realize how inaccessible he became until it was too late. He used to be her rock — the person responsible for her safety and her overall well-being, but he didn't even notice when she was struggling with her powers right under his nose. He failed her <em>again.</em></p><p>The only people that stayed behind were Gar <em>and—God.</em> He completely forgot that he left the poor kid at the tower - alone, with an unconscious man that needed to be monitored. It was so typical of him to drop everything onto an unprepared teenager's shoulders and take off as soon as things go to shit.</p><p>Gar was the only one that stuck around after everyone left — the only one to tell him he wasn't a complete screw-up, and how does he repay that? By dumping all of his responsibilities on him and fleeing the tower. He told him he would be back, then bought a ticket to Greenland.</p><p>Dick, struggling with the frustration at his own actions, banged his head against the window in a fit of anger, gritting his teeth.</p><p>"Hey, settle down back there!"</p><p>He flinched when the cop in the driver's seat honked the horn to get his attention, giving him a warning look through the rear-view mirror.</p><p>He bit his lip and did as told, taking a deep breath to calm himself before his mind drifted back to the tower. Gar will be fine. Kory said she was only going out to run an errand which he probably should have questioned, but he was too caught up in what happened to bother with it.</p><p>The important thing was that she would come back. She'll help Gar with whatever needs doing and take care of whatever needs to be taken care of. She's good that way. She's always been the fix-it mom of the group, even when it was just them and the kids.</p><p>She was always on his side, even if he messed up a lot, she was there to tell him it'll be okay — right after pulling him off his ass and helping him fix whatever problem he created. He could feel her supportive presence behind him when he told them the truth. If she hadn't been there, he probably would've backed out and carried the lie even longer.</p><p>He thought about what would happen when she eventually returned to the tower and found him missing.</p><p>A weight pressed down on his chest when he thought about the disappointed expression on her face, the way her hopes for him would finally evaporate and get replaced by pure disdain — like all the others. She gave him so many chances to make things right, to come clean and open up to her as she wanted him to since the first night they spent together.</p><p>He hated himself for not taking that chance.</p><p>Words couldn't describe the split-second of terror he felt when she headed for the door, the feeling of abandonment peaking and threatening to tear him open from the inside out.</p><p>
  <em>"You're leaving too?"</em>
</p><p>He'd asked, unable to keep the pain from seeping into his words. He remembered her looking surprised, then swiftly coming up with an excuse, like he would have a meltdown if she didn't. Was his fear so clearly displayed on his face, or was it because she somehow just always knew exactly what was going through his head?</p><p>A selfish part of him wanted to seek her out before he headed for the airport. He wanted to speak to her one last time, secretly hoping she could talk him out of leaving — hoping she would squeeze his hand and tell him everything will work itself out.</p><p>He wanted to go back to the tower with her, maybe even wake up to her body pressed against his one more time, but he stopped himself. This was best for all of them. He put his own needs in front of others for long enough.</p><p>At the police station, they offered him his one phone call, but he declined. There was no one to call, and he didn't want help nor bail. If he had any luck, everyone would assume he ran off again and it would be some time before they find out where he'd ended up.</p><p>The cops gave him a suspicious look before one of them lead him to an empty holding cell, where he would remain until the interrogation room opened up.</p><p>As the cell door slammed shut and keys turned to lock him in, he slid down the wall to sit on the metal bench, staring at the cuffs binding his wrists together — which, now that he thought about it, should probably have been removed before they locked him up. No matter, he supposed, the more restricted he was, the better.</p><p>Breaking out of a holding cell was fully within his capabilities, yet, when the door slammed shut and the cop walked away, he let go of a breath he didn't know he was holding. It was done — he was going to prison, where he could atone for his sins and keep everyone safe. Finally, after years of carrying around the guilt and constantly looking over his shoulder, he could relax.</p><p>That is - until a familiar voice broke the silence and gave him a start.</p><p>"Good choice, chum. Maybe the first one you've made in years."</p><p><em>Bruce</em>.</p><p>Dick glanced up, coming eye-to-eye with his mentor, or rather, the version of him his mind was conjuring up again. He briefly wondered if he belonged in an asylum instead of prison - this wasn't normal.</p><p>"You're right," the hallucination slipped his hands out of his pockets and sat down on the bench opposite of him. "What are you thinking? Arkham Asylum? That would be ironic, wouldn't it?"</p><p>Dick grimaced and glanced back down at his hands, attempting to block out his voice. Maybe if he ignored it, this time it'll go away.</p><p>It didn't.</p><p>"Imagine it — Robin, the Caped Crusader's own partner, locked up with the scum he helped put in there. Oh," fake-Bruce clamped his hands together with an eery smirk, "say you end up sharing a bunk-bed with the Joker. That would be fun-"</p><p>"Shut up," Dick muttered lowly, gaze flicking towards the security camera right outside the cell.</p><p>Bruce briefly looked surprised, then he pursed his lips, "I'm only saying what you're thinking."</p><p>"Exactly, so you're not real. I will close my eyes, and when I open them, I want you gone."</p><p>Bruce stared at him for a moment, an unusual glint in his eye, then drew up his shoulders, "Go ahead."</p><p>Something about that sounded malicious, but Dick didn't think much of it. It's his mind. He decides what happens. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, trying to wipe Bruce's image from his brain. He resorted to thinking about other things in hopes it'll be enough.</p><p>His mind drifted off to happier times, and before he knew it, he was thinking about Kory. He dove into the memory of their first night together, reveling in the imaginary feeling of her skin against his and his lips on hers. He remembered it being the first time in a while that he felt at peace, and a true connection with someone other than Dawn — a <em>romantic</em> connection, he had to admit, even if they'd only known each other for a few days at most.</p><p>Of course, with Kory came the kids, and their little adventure to the asylum, and-</p><p>He skipped the horrible drug-induced nightmare, right to where they escaped unscathed, and relief flooded his system again.</p><p>They got out with Rachel's mom, who ended up tricking Rachel into freeing her father shortly after Dick left — again. That lead to him getting—okay, no, not happy memories. Rewind.</p><p>He backtracked to his stay with Donna, but that only ended up reminding him that their friendship was no longer intact, leading right back to the tower, and eventually, the <em>old Titans.</em></p><p>He tried to make it work by pulling up the memories of their team having fun, celebrating birthdays and drinking together — being a <em>family</em>. He held those memories close, for they were the only reminders that he used to have a functioning team. He used to be an all right leader. He didn't always have this poison in him.</p><p>Feeling like he'd drifted off far enough, he allowed his eyes to flutter open again, vision focusing on the bench in front of him.</p><p>His breath caught in his throat and he tensed, inwardly berating himself and wishing his mind wasn't so damn sadistic. Bruce was gone, without a doubt, but now there was someone else sitting in his place.</p><p>"Joey," he croaked, feeling like he was going to be sick.</p><p>The hallucination craned its neck, as if confused, the scar on his throat being put on display.</p><p>Dick's face twisted into an agonized expression as Jericho started moving his hands, frowning deeply. He'd give anything to forget what he knew about sign language at that moment.</p><p>
  <em>'You promised.'</em>
</p><p>Something akin to a knife twisted in his gut. He sat upright, wringing his hands and trying to calm himself down. His heart was beating so fast that he worried it might break his ribs and burst out of his chest.</p><p>"I'm sorry," he tried to say, the fact that he was apologizing to nothing meaning very little. His voice cracked, barely rising above a whisper, "I didn't-"</p><p>He cut himself off when Jericho, without warning, slumped against the wall behind him, the life quickly draining from his eyes before a red stain spread across his shirt — a dark, sickeningly red stain.</p><p>A wave of nausea overtook him — he had to cover his mouth with both hands and swallow to avoid throwing up all over the floor. Tears pricked at his eyelids, but he couldn't bother trying to blink them away. His vision blurred until Jericho's corpse was nothing more than a red blob — a bright blob covered in blood.</p><p>In an instant, it felt like the oxygen in the air had evaporated. He couldn't breathe anymore. Hands sliding down to his throat, he desperately gasped for air, leaning forward until his knees hit the concrete.</p><p>An alarmed shout came from down the hall, followed by the jingling of keys and a door creaking open — presumably, a cop coming to see why his captive was hyperventilating. He didn't get the chance to confirm that theory. His sight gave away, and he was suddenly spiraling into darkness, no way of knowing what waited for him once he emerged on the other side.</p><p>He made the right choice. A monster— a <em>murderer</em> was being put away for good.</p>
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